Hi. Haven't posted in a long time. I have been busy with school and studying. O levels is only 39 days away. The coming seems so close, yet the end of it seems so agonizingly far away~
These days have been fluctuative. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But definitely tiring and stressful.

Its the 13th August. And I'm currently spending my last 1 hr + of my official childhood.
Looking back, it was a tough, but amazing journey.

Despite the trails and difficulties and all the not so nice feelings/happenings, especially throughout this year, I know that God has blessed me with wonderful friends. It wasn't easy finding a group where I belonged in school. Generally, people who are a little different, dopey, etc, just find it difficult to find a place, in this case in school. In school, there are generally 3 places where I feel like I belong -- 3GR/4GR, Robotics and with the VILLAGE.

The whole village thing came about when I realised that our circle of friends was generally bigger than other cliques. Also, pretty much more diverse. Hence, eventually, we refer to our circle of friends as the Village.

And since last year, Ive had a moment named after me. Called the Shannon Moment. (obviously)..
Its just used to describe me when I am blur, do something clumsy or dumb, or just forgetful. Then it started to be used on others when they have such moments. xD

If I were to reflect on stuff now, it will probably be melo and deep and long.

But as for now, I think, I just hope, that with the coming of the 14th August, is not just another birthday, but a day that I can make a commitment, to continue living to the fullest, to be a Testimony to God and a help to people.

Last night, I read a post/comment of facebook from some time back that I wished I hadn't read.
Now I feel even worse about the thing that happened almost 6 months back.

It seriously feels like adsasjfid..
Its like a double slap from last time someone told me it is likely that I didn't do my presentation with enthusiasm.
Its bad enough to be struggling with your studies and yet have to work hard to keep up with a 6 year expectation. I really don't know whether to feel sad or mad or disappointed about that comment, but I really wish I didn't read it.
Now thinking back, I really wonder if I should have been in ef. I didn't have the technical competency, nor the brilliant mind. and sometimes I just wonder that if someone with more experience were to take my place, whether it would have turned out differently.

Sigh.. okok, I shall not think about it.

Its gonna be Sunday soon. I think I slacked off my saturday again T.T and prelims is next week. For some reason, I just can't seem to force myself to study on Saturdays. I need to MUG tomorrow. At the same time, I have to finish building my bakery and editing by this week cuz I don't wanna eat into my prelims.

This week was relatively alright.
Went for my DPA interview on Monday. Good thing aunt went with me. Otherwise I'll be a lost duck -.- as usual..Totally forgot how to walk the sheltered way thru engineering school to get to TCA. The interview surprisingly wasn't scary but I don't feel I have very much "ba wo" since the other applicants were all really good. And we are only 6 among so many. I really was that place very much tho. Still have that twinge of hope inside me. But like aryee said, if this is the right way to walk, God will path the way for me~

School was stressful, not only in terms of studies. But in many other ways too. There are some not so nice stuff that we settled but there is still some discomfort in me. I hope good friend is doing ok. I feel so disgustingly conflicted. Still trapped in unknown (and irrational??) guilt and confusion. Although I don't show it, it really feels disgusting. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what that something is. Despite my frustration, I still do care about her.

But at the same time, in this period of time, I've really seen the side of my friends that I've never seen before. Difficult times do bring out the best in people sometimes. Just to name a few, JoN, I think I never really knew her but my respect for her just grew even more. yt, her rationality in handling situations. Ni, for her sensitivity and encouraging-ness..xy for her effort to bring out the best in her friends and her resilience, mx for understanding and sensitivity, ym for just giving me a strange sense of safety and comfort, kw, for that little action that changed my week. There are so many other people, in church, at home that have been really awesome but I shall leave that for another time. God is really good, for letting me have all these people in my life~

It was fun doing sound today. And  I am quite satisfied with how the bulletin turned out today too :) God always works in our lives to make these possible~
Today, the article is one of those that strike me heavily. Just like the article on footprints in the sand a few years back. Thus the name of my blog and my tumblr. Its about a train and the passengers. Basically, it really reminds me to put my focus back on what is truly important and not be caught in the frenzy of fulfilling seemingly important tasks.

I'm going for my interview for DPA into TP tomorrow. After yesterday, I started to wonder if there was even a need to DPA. But now that I've already come this 'far', I'll just be honest and confident tomorrow I guess. Just hope I wouldn't miss out too much in school.
Last night I also have a sudden fear, whether I really belong in the poly path. Maybe its from seeing all my seniors' JC photos on my facebook newsfeed. It really would be a whole new environment. And like xy said, it is a risky path but if I don't take the risk, my ambition and passion will just get further away each time i miss an opportunity. She said that therefore, I really must be the best if I want to take this path.
That, last night, also suddenly (and scarily) made me consider if I really wanted to go into FandB. But I think its just because of the nerves and tiredness cause I feel slightly surer today. I guess.

Finally the end of another exhausting and crazy week. I wanna work on my bakery but kinda tired now and maybe mum won't let me sleep too late.
Worship prac was great today. It was fun and rejuvenating. After one week of rushing around, rushing emotions, competing with time etc..slowing down and spending time with God really calms me down.

Just looking back, the past weeks I was just so frenzied that I hardly have time to stop and think. But I think that after all that has happened, I really did become stronger and better at handling ..stuff..I think. After all, #what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I am eagerly awaiting the end of Olevels. In fact, eagerly would be an understatement. But definitely, I know I'm gonna miss a lot of things and a lot of people.

And one thing for sure. I know that the path I am going to take is gonna start out as a lonely one. Hopefully, I will be able to adjust, and find a new group of buddehs. 

Its been really crazy so far, with so many things happening. 

Its the first time I'm experiencing such a thing. And its just a horrible sinking feeling. Not only of the incident itself, but also of wanting to do something to help, but you just can't. 

It makes me realise how fragile life is. And we should really live each day to the fullest. May God bless her and her family and all those around her, and may she rest in peace..

The things that have been happening also makes me think, what are we really doing with our lives. Have we been treating those around us well? Treasure the things we have instead of taking them for granted? Put ourselves into others shoes? 

I think in this frenzied atmosphere, young people sometimes, have really lost sight of what truly matters.

So tired~ 

My eyes are kinda swollen. Can't really open them wide. I had a though night. 

I wished I could have skyped with jie. I waited the whole day for that. But I was just too upset and tired. Not with her :/ Jie would have been able to help I guess. Anyway, didn't want to go in front of the webcam looking like that --> ;____; 

It wasn't entirely because of mar's comments but probably all the pent up frustration. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all these while I'm trying to chiong for prelims and apply my DPA and stuff. My grades are crazy bad for someone whos gonna take olevels in a few months time and I just don't have the time or energy to care about irrational stuff. 

I'm glad I talked to my mentor yesterday tho. Made me feel a little better. And I guess I know what I have to do, though it won't be easy. Praying for higher patience level. And I guess it also shifted my POV a little and allow me to put away my anger and frustration for a bit and TRY to understand them. I still can't. But I'll TRY.

This is no good. My patience level is reaching the top.

Nowadays I've been spending my days in irrational guilt. Die Die Zhuang Zhuang. Still alive, but barely breathing. I'm struggling with my pride, my conscience, what other people tell me. But if not for God, I think I would have done something harsh out of anger and frustration now.

I wish things could be as simple as they were in the past. Life is not easy, but its simple. I wish people wouldn't make it dramatic.

Anyway, I recently been finding it harder and harder to be a good friend. Especially when you don't get respect, trust. And mutuality is important. Its just degrading when someone doesn't trust you to do anything but only sees you as a clumsy, forgetful dope.

I wonder now why I was even glad to have taken up my position as vice chair of robotics. I still love robotics, but I which I hadn't taken up the position. Because I felt as if I have done absolutely nothing. Juniors dont see me as their leader. I may be introverted but that doesn't mean I'm not approachable. But mainly, I just don't have that "cool" factor. And sometimes, that really sucks. But still God made me a little different for a reason. I guess I'll know when the time is right. But this just reinforces. I think C would have done a better job. mx is getting less respect than she deserves. I think people just don't realise what is done backstage. Only when the backstage workers stop working. Can they realise that there will be no show.

I wonder why position is so important. one of the things that I was so proud about Infocomm was that although it is the biggest CCA, it has hardly any, possibly no politics in it. But seems that now it has changed. Why is that one position so coveted? Why so important that you can go around debating who should be "enthroned".

Jn has had it though too. Talked to her today and suddenly just felt a wierd feeling like being punched in the stomach. Funny. How its the nice people who have to go thru all these wierd, messy, horrible stuff.

I'm not ready to handle some stuff at 16. Good friend says I'm enjoying the attention. At first, it felt good to be accepted but people can hardly realise what comes with it. Its harder to reject that it seems. I don't want to see GA hurt too.

I'll be applying for DPA into TP's CCM in a few days time. I want it so badly. Its not even a want its an ambition. But it also means starting a journey alone. Its gonna take time to adjust without my friends. I hope YY makes it there too.

I'm tired of being trampled on. I wish some people could just be a bit more sensitive. Because I really am reaching max point soon.

Thats fast. WRT is over.
Once again deep in thought after the incidents today.

I realised that I'm now/was? in a stage where acceptance was so important that I strayed off who I really am. And I realise I'm becoming more impulse and defensive. I guess its over the years, building up and just this year, I started to feel a need to stop getting trampled over, teased, and instead be recognised. I guess right now I am still in the journey of self discovery. But after today, I realised that it is seriously best to be who we really are. I read through my ISFJ profiling thingy and started to wonder if people saw that in me. And THEN, started to wonder if that was important 0.0

Alone at home again~
Sometimes I would want company, but today is one of the days that I am glad to have the peace and quiet.

I was looking through facebook and I feel kinda guilty for slacking so much this week. I wonder where I'll be  without study camp. O.O
I just received the PG seminar pack from TP last night. I'm quite excited about the campus tour.

Really Tired~
Been thinking about a lot of things today. Left retreat early to go to CIP but I kinda regretted it cuz the meeting wasn't as important and essential as they put it. But important anyways :/ I mean..yea..
Retreat was meaningful and fun. Better than the previous one I felt. Partially also because of the things that happened over the past year. Its nice yet not nice to think back.
And I think I was way too tired that I was having a lot a lot of messy thoughts in my head. Things have changed so much from how they used to be in the past :[
I wonder if I had become a better friend/person as I grow up. For some reason, that bothers me a lot.
I guess shes right. I'm just enjoying the attention. But that really bad and I feel kinda bad about it. I'm gonna start "afresh" from tomorrow on. Not gonna talk about it anymore.

Also, I realise that there are so much more to people that we don't know about. For some reason, due to my own experiences and thoughts, I can understand. Yet I don't know how to show it. I have never been good at words. And I'm not quite sure if anyone actually do take my letters seriously. Not that I'm doubting anyone but just wondering if it actually helped them. I really do think that helping people is important. But at the same time, I just wonder what I can do. I am well aware that I'm the weird one, especially in school, (nothing to be ashamed of, yet nothing to boast about)
I can hardly help my closest friends, who are a bunch of Kpop fanatics. but they are really a bunch of really nice people. Its hard to relate to them and makes me miss the days when conversation was not all about Kpop. Its perfectly fine to fangirl but I personally feel like sometimes, the line is crossed. I really cannot name a very close friend that is not into kpop.
I dunno but I find that sometimes, just sometimes, these things make things superficial. Not that the people are superficial but like I said, theres a limit. I mean I do personally have a favoured kpop band but I don't spend most of my time on it. Neither is it my topic of conversation 99% of the time. I feel..that there are more important things than that..
I don't hold anything against my friends who are fans of Kpop but yea, things did use to be different. And I "ownself" said it, times change and people change to adapt. Somehow this is where the world takes us.
As you can probably tell by now that this is one of the posts that I suddenly go super deep but this is what happens when I do reflect on stuff.

I guess its right that whatever we take for granted we would lose at some point or another, be it for a short time or for good. Except God. We've probably taken Him for granted loads of times but He's always there ready to have us back again.

Anyway, I still wonder what others see in me. And wonder if that is important. More than just a clumsy, goofy, slightly 'derpy' sotong I hope :'D Many people have told me that I'm too nice. Wonder what nice means actually. But like I mentioned last time, I think things would have been much easier if I was a little bit more normal?? I took the DISC test last night during retreat and Jo roughly helped me look through it and told me that the results are like hers. Which surprised me quite a bit. But I guess I'll only find out the results and the interpretation tomorrow.

This really is a very long post. Still pondering about a lot of things but I hope I can start to 'do better' tomorrow. I have been so caught up with work, social life that I have honestly forgotten what is truly important.

But I guess its not too late to change now. And hope that I bear this in mind. and not get too caught in social norms. Just to be normal. So sometimes, ironically, contradictoringly, its good to be weird.

Finally, its gonna be the holidays. Well, not exactly, I'll still be going to study camp for another week. But thats okay. I'm more productive there.
Its been really exhausting and I don't think I did well for my math mocks :( The others were okay I guess. The teachers gave us plenty of "presents" to last us through our holidays. And on the last day of EC, there was an education fair. Its kinda the first time the polys got the spotlight in school and that made me feel kinda comforted and happy.
I still really want to pursue the culinary arts and after reading through all the course booklets from the various school, I realised that TP is still the way to go. Although, if  I wanted to be a food scientist or go into business in general, I could go to SP or NYP.

I realise I haven't posted in awhile. Been really tired and busy with schoolwork. I practically slept the weekend away. Term 2 must have taken its toll on me o.0
Theres school for another three weeks. Oh well, at least theres one week holiday. Prob the best I'd ever get before Olevels end.
Study Camp has been alright, pretty productive, but draining too. And I think they're trying to make us fat with the food. O.O

Thursday was the last day in official training for SC robotics. Theres EEP next week but only a few will be there. Somehow, I didnt feel as sad as I thought I would. More of a sense of nostalgia and an odd sinking and empty-ish feeling. Sounds so melodramatic but yea. xD
I'll miss the collapsing cupboard door, the windmill built by the seniors, the props and box of art materials left behind by generations of seniors.
Robotics definitely taught me more than robotics. I guess I came in scared,afraid that I would face rejection once again but I'm glad I'm really wrong about that. I couldn't ask for better seniors and cca mates. I really did learn to open up gain more confidence and pretty much, discover the person I am. Both positive and negative O.o

Then yesterday(Friday) was sports fest. Scs first sports fest(in place of sports day and swim carnival). It was good that it allowed everyone to take part in interclass games but it could have been better. Many awkward sections. Good change though.

After sports fest, me, xy, mx, jo, vf and ac walked to serene centre. The macs there was sooooooo crowded O.o but we managed to get a seat. v and her sis had to leave first. :( We talked and eat and talked. Got a really bad headache halfway through xD  Must be from the sun earlier. After we were done we took a bus back to school for study camp. Poped by to talk to the juniors. See. Barely a day after stepping down and the seniors already 不放心　xD Sigh. A realise that CCA becomes an important part to a student since it sticks with you for 3-4 years, unlike class which you change almost every year. I was kinda apprehensive for my last day of cca when I heard about others'. Sounded so sad O.O ANYWAY, back to the point, after chatting with the juniors for a bit, we went back to study camp. The vp came in and was really glad to see us studying so she bought us ice cream xD thanks! Thats really nice of her. But after the ice cream I just didnt feel like eating the tea break curry puff anymore so I just made the "study camp chocolate cereal thing" everyone knew so well.
We talked about dreams during tea break. And I realised how scary dreams can be. I had many scary dreams come to think of it. Though I am still quite amused by the fact that I have a reccuring dream of jumping down two stories in a shopping mall and making a perfect landing.

Well, thats pretty much whats interesting this week.

Its a school holiday today. Honestly, surprisingly, I really wish there was study camp today :// I absolutely have no discipline.

This morning, I revisited the long lost joy of making miniatures. Tries making Toniellison's pizza but it didn't turn out quite nice as I wanted it. Probably from the lack of practice and the fact that I'm using ADC. I think polymer still works best for me but my mums not letting me get any until after Os. Wise decision i would say 0.0

I'm halfway through editting the mothers day video. Still lacking 7 messages. But I'm really quite excited for the release :D

Feeling kinda confused and thrown off track now. All that has been happening recently makes me wonder if I am really being too nice.Not being egoistic there. Oh, whoops suddenly lost my train of thought -.- will update when it comes back to me.

Phew, end of another week! that was tiring :/
 made a really big decision that involved a really big committment -- I joined study camp O.O someone says that the people who go who have an L1R5 of below 20 waste study camp space :/ That kinda made me feel bad and slightly awkward but come on, there must be, around 20 other people who have lower L1R5s than me ://  In any case, its been effective so far. I finally wrote my name and drew my signature robot on my mug and spoon today, but still haven't had any food. For some reason, I wasn't really hungry. Probably because of the tiredness.

Anyway, next week will be my/our last week in sc robotics. I prepared letters but am still in the midst of writing them. Somehow, I keep getting stuck halfway through. *awkward balloon/turtle*

I'm really excited for PlaybyhEARt's "debut". :)

Finally! Its friday!
Well, its been a tiring week!
Today, was alright :) I passed 10 rounds race :DD Anddd..Got A1 for Emath :)))
Chem test was alright, but I was being dumb with the QA -.-

But I guess the part of today was PlaybyhEARt's first 'official' rehearsal :) We're preparing something special for a special group of people :) I think I could have enjoyed it even more though, if not for the headache -.- and the fact that I just spilled all my panadol in my jacket pocket and had to throw them away xP kept spilling things in my pocket yesterday. I felt in my other pocket and got a shock -- The unfinished biscuits from morning  break spilled out of its packaging and crumbled in my pocket O.o

Another day passed really quickly :P

Went for the long jump heats today, just kinda glad that I didn't embarrass myself too much, although I didn't qualify. Mrs Bowness said it was kinda pity cause I wasted a good distance by constantly taking off too early :( I estimate about 15cm too early? Man, I did want to qualify, but oh well.
Bio test was kinda hard and confusing. Just hope I don't do too badly.

Got really drenched in the rain today, despite having an umbrella. The meeting was quite fun. I'm glad we have a really friendly and funny mentor :)


Back on sunday, I felt a sudden lurch?? in my stomach, just a wierd, numb-ish feeling when I opened by dairy on sunday. I'd boxed up 23rd to 25th April and wrote "FLL world Festival". If we had won just like we did for the past 6 years, we would have been on the plane to America. Well, whats over is over and I guess we tried our best. I feel a bit bad though, that I might have messed up technical/project pres. :(  I guess whats important now is to help the juniors win again. But I guess its really the experience that counts and its good that both teams walked away with an award. :)



I realize that the best condition to think in is on a rainy day, in a shelter, listening to music. I thought of how much has happened withing the past four months. I realize that whatever happens, we will eventually find a way through and be happy. I guess with regards to this situation, I am 'on the road to recovery'. I guess all I can do now is to pray for the rest. Like I said, I still do care for my best mate.

I read an article somewhere, can't remember where and what exactly it is about. But it said something about making an impact in others' lives. I do hope I did make a positive impact to those around me/whom I've once met or known.

Weekend!!!!

Feeling quite happy today, at least, considerably better than I felt in weeks. It will take time to be completely extremely happy though. But yes, I think I feel better~

Though I think I have done really badly this term, Probably messed up my best subject because I forgot to boil the solution in Bio SPA skill 3. T.T And I don't think I did my filing for Bio very well either. Oh well, enough of that, no point worrying over whats over. I shall work harder (for real) for the coming tests and mocks! Math and Amath are so far so good, better keep it there and improve! 

Anyway, got a pokey thing in my finger during PE today. Did notice it until I realized that it hurt when I grab the ball/bat. I don't think it was a splinter but I just called it a splinter anyway cause I didn't know what else to call it. It was a tiny blue thing but it hurt quite a bit xP Couldn't get it out with my fingernails. So I tried to get Yt to help me take it out. And someone informed Nicci. So I ended up with a horde of people crowding around me and it was kinda embarrassing cause it really wasn't that serious xPPP Gah. Awkward turtle. Nicci    got me to try to use tweezers to get it out myself but I can't manage teensy stuff with my non-dominant hand. So it the end, Kimberly got it out for me. Haha, we all laughed when we saw how small the thing was. So strange that such a tiny thing would hurt. And now as I type, I realise that 'so' is not merely a "口头禅" but it occurs really often in my typing as well xD 

OH well, that aside, I have finally recruited by band members. Although they are not the usual group I hang out with, I feel really glad that I found people with the same passion ~ to pursue our interest and to inspire others and ourselves through music.

Its Friday~ Going to school soon.
Friday timetables are quite horrible. Theres tripe Amath today T.T One during cirriculum, two for remedial T.T

The week that just past was alright I guess. Felt considerably better than I did last week.~ It will take time I guess.

Its down to the last 3 sessions at cca :( I'll really miss SC robotics!

Its wednesday today! doesn't really feel like a wednesday, though, for some reason. Still feel tired, may take a nap after this :P

Managed to get my javelin past the two point mark today ^^ normally I would just scrape the two point line but today it was almost at the 3 point mark xD So thats good enough I guess xD I'm that unatheletic xD
Got back my geog test today, Mrs Chua got my hopes up by telling me I improved but turns out it was only for the LORMS. Overall, I deproved by 1/2 a mark because I was reading too much into the question. It was so much easier than I though -.- Gotta do better for the next test !
MT Mock was kinda hard, it makes it worse that its on the remedial slot cause our brains are just not functioning anymore ://

Its Tuesday today~
I really like Tuesdays cause there are no remedials and the the lessons are usually quite nice :) The school seemed kinda peaceful today after all that action from the carnival. Other than the remnants of the burst balloons and several forgotten posters, it almost feels as if carnival never happened. Oh well, I'm looking forward to the next one already :))

The test went pretty okay, in fact, I am quite confident of doing better than the prose test :D I guess they decided to take it easy on us after the horror of the prose test xD And thank God for the miraculous free period today, at least I had time to organise and fill in some gaps in my MT file ;)

Feeling kinda drowsy now, probably because of the late night filing last night xD Gonna take a nap~

SC Carnival

Back from carnival, aching and tired but it was fun. Boring at first but became more fun when you have more friends with you. The redemption stall was so -.- though, and the horse derby turned out to be a monkey derby.
Spent a lot this year *guilty*, but on very random things, guess I overestimated the amount of coupons I needed, shouldn't have taken the extra from mum. ://

Well, it turns out that between friend and xy, things are patched up, which makes me relieved. I would feel happy for that but at the same time, a sense of emptiness. I still don't know why she hates me so much. Worse still, I still don't know what I have done. Normally, I wouldn't miss a single cca outing but now I am considering whether or not to go ice skating on Monday. It really doesn't feel good having your best friend (or someone whom you see as your best friend) just start hating you.

I really don't know what I have done, and apparantly, the choice to find out doesn't lie with me. But I guess, if I don't remember meaning any harm and did not ever have any bad intentions there is not reason to feel bad? It is really very horrible to feel guilty over something you do not even know why. Yet I feel like I am being taken for granted.

But I guess, she is now relieved to have xy back. And I feel less worried now.

Today wasn't a good day. But I suppose it could be worse. I feel kinda bad for her. As I said, anything that everyone is trying to do is out of care and concern and I hope she does not misunderstand our intentions. Once again, I do not want anyone to take sides.

And it appears that I am the one who caused the hurt first. Without knowing how. I am not sure if I want to know actually. Probably, eventually I'll need to know I guess. But why am I afraid if I have a clear conscience? Whatever it is, I am not a perfect person. I make my mistakes and maybe, this time I made a really serious one without knowing it. I don't know.

Right now, I just pray that she is okay. Because I still care for her, no matter how she sees me now.

Another long day. Just slept after coming home and washing up, :P
We had Emath in the library today because Mrs Chan hurt her knee. Poor Mrs Chan :( I felt so sad for her when I heard someone say "Mrs Chan is coming!" and I hear the tapping of the crutch.

On the happier side, xy gave me a music lanyard, since she knew I was looking for one but all those we saw at ps yesterday were really ugly. :P

Sigh, the situation has evolved to become something I can no longer describe. Most of the time, when I look meet any of them, I get a wry smile instead of the usually happy smile. I think. I really really hope to see everyone be happy again. I was kinda stupid to have mentioned my proposed solution to it. I think it upset xy a little so I apologized, to my relief, she just waved off the apology and told me not to think about such things anymore.

Anyway, I feel really grateful towards the friends who are not involved but are giving us emotional support and strength.
For a special mention, I thank God for ac, who has been giving me encouragements and so on be it through her own words or thru bible verses and also mx, cl, ef and jl for being such cheerful people who really  subconsciously or maybe consciously cheer me up :) and sk and tk for being so nice and sensitive although they are younger. ym her comfort and encouragement.

Some people ask me why I am still being affected and ever tried so hard to fix things. I would have to say is also because I treasure the times we had together and appreciate the things that she did. But I really do not know what is going on now and as of now, it seems kinda un-salvageable. Like I always say, it has to be mutual.  As of now, I just don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want anyone to take sides.

Anyway, I realise that sometimes, the toughest situations bring out the best in people, show us the good things we've never seen in others and opens our insight to the world.

Still, I'm excited for Friday's sleepover. :)) I hope hugging bear can make it. Honestly, I do miss spending time with her. sigh, the good old days :) I'm pretty excited for the carnival too, in fact, really excited. Can't wait for friday.

Oh! and I just learnt to pluck/strum safe and sound of hunger games on the guitar. ;)

A sacrifice and a compromise.
Honestly, I just hope that this works out and everyone will be happy again.

So its back to school again. Exciting week ahead with amath test over and carnival coming on etc.

I failed my chem test T.T I really hate how it must take a failure to wake me up. But at least I wake up. I've decided to make a list of all the stuff I am unsure about chem and arrange a consultation with Mr. Yeo, just like how I do with Mrs Chan.

I feel kinda fuzzy and weird inside now, unfortunately, not the good kind of fuzzy I usually post about, cause of what I am preparing to face tomorrow. I feel really really scared but yet I can't put my finger on what  I am scared of. Something that has been accumulated, hidden, bottled in for 3 years may be found out tomorrow. Till now, I am still not sure if I want to know. Did I really commit such a terrible "crime" that I am not even aware of? Have I subconsciously caused hurt that is so deep it leads to how things are today? I'm not sure if I want to know, or if I would eventually even find out. I mean, it makes me scared to think, 3 years is a really long time. And YET, if I do not find out, I'll never know the answer to..a lot of things.

Well, however this may be resolved/case closed tomorrow, I hope that from tomorrow onward, everything can be back to normal and the clique can be happy again. Almost. I also hope to be happy in CCA again, because SC robotics is one of the few places that I feel that I truly belong.

Good morning, its easter Sunday. Hallelujah :)

I'll update about yesterday first. Well, yesterday was mostly spent at CIP for WRT. Its a new experience and I'll have to say its quite awesome. The people there are all really friendly. BUT. I just had to do stupid things again. I had no idea, how it happened but when I was sorta jogging towards my bag, I just tripped and fell. Over nothing. Might be my shoe though. Yeowch. It actually hurt quite a lot but its gone today. The worse thing to do is to fall in front of guys T.T cause girls are supposed to be graceful and stuff. sigh. hehz
Saturday would have been better if I wasn't so troubled by that thing. I can't even tell if I was more angry or hurt. I was so confused I wasn't thinking anymore. People were smsing me telling me a lot of different things. Some were pretty harsh but at least that was out of goodwill. I was conflicted by what I heard and seen. I had absolutely no idea what to do. I even smsed Vanessa to ask if anything happens, I could have a place in their clique. But jn said they wouldn't let me "out" so easily. Some tells me to give up, some tells me to grit my teeth and hang on. Now what? Anyway, CG helped me feel a little better yesterday. Somehow it always does.

I guess I'll also feel kinda bad if I told vanessa that I need to join them and eventually stay where I am. And I am really grateful for her sms. I think I'll join them on some days anyway, like once or twice a week.

I'm not quite sure how I am going to face tomorrow when everybody is gonna come and clear out stuff and I have a feeling its not going to be a gentle one. I am not sure also, how this will be solved eventually. But I do hope it is soon. I just hope everyone will be happy again. And I hope to find the bounce in my feet again. Without falling over ;)

Blessed Easter <3

I really wanted a peaceful good friday but I am really reaching the top already. no wait that sounds weird. I can't phrase it properly xD Arghh.. I've never been so angry and hurt that things that aren't usually that funny are extremely funny now.

I just don't know if I can go through tomorrow, which was supposed to be a happy day too. 

Yes, there is a need to solve this if it was actually possible that both sides are willing to sit down and LISTEN to what the other party to say. If the problem, which I highly suspect is just a small misunderstanding, is not cleared, we will just continue hurting each other. I have no intention of doing so and apparently, I am doing something that I am not aware I am doing? Why would I invite someone I want to hurt to a movie? 

Today passed really quickly.
The lessons were pretty boring, except for Amath surprisingly.

Anyway, the situation is kinda getting worse. I just felt like a mixture of confusion, anger, disappointment and sadness all at the same time. Many people tell me to just give up on it already and be happy. On Sunday, I told my self that instead of giving up, I would let go. But I tried being neutral and everything but things just got stupider. I just don't want my clique to fall apart. I really miss the days when we were one big family, 8 of us sitting round the table. Joy usually dines with Vanessa and company and yimei will Kasee and company. Even though it was usually all k-pop. Lol. allkpop. and stuff but it was still happy and all.
I kinda feel bad now cause if I just pretended that nothing was wrong then maybe the others wouldn't noticed it in the first place. Not that much anyways. I am not too sure about whats going on on xy's side but I don't really want to pry right now.
Then it came to me that this just might work. Maybe it would help for me to kinda, leave the clique? I think I might try that out for one day and see what happens, might help me understand what actually is the problem. The weirdest part is, I really have to idea what is going on.
And  I just really do want to solve it(ideally) or end it but things always seem to make this impossible. But if God brought me through sec 1, I suppose theres nothing He can't carry me through.
I'll think of something.

In any case, for now, I am just going to have dinner, play a few games to chill out and spend some time in quiet to prepare for tomorrow.

Whew. Glad today is over. Well, at least the school part.
Had Oral English Prelim Today. Was feeling pretty ok until the part when I got to prepare for the reading and picture. I had absolutely no idea what was happening in the picture. For a moment I actually thought that it was an FLL playfield. But there was no robot and the stuff on the table looked too small to be FLL props.
Anyway, I just said it was "some sort of tabletop game". The reading was alright. But during the conversation and picture discussion, I realised that I still can't say words like "properly", "probably". I'll say "proprely" and "probrebry" xD Ms Lee laughed when I said that the sport that I disliked was rugby  and when I said I didn't like people coming really close to me and that my stamina is really low.Most of that was made up xD hehz. Except the stamina part, unfortunately. -.-

Chem Prac today was fun. Got to bring home some lead compound crystals, which were really nice. You could buy a test tube for 45 cents and they'll seal the crystals in for you. I think I added too much lead (II) nitrate so my crystals were relativelt little and small. But this leads me to think of some cheem-ish. stuff.

I thought that my yellow crystals were absolutely beautiful until I saw others' crystals -- so much bigger, so much more sparkly. Then I started to feel quite disappointed towards my own crystals.

Ah well. Reminds me of a chinese compre I did before. If we keep on comparing ourselves to others, we will never be happy.

Still - Hillsong

Anyway, this has been the song that has encouraged me recently. However, the song that can best describe what I have been feeling since the whole complicated thing started is 21 guns ;/ There were some anti-christian interpretations to it but I definitely don't see it that way.

Still - Hillsong (Chinese and English versions)

21 Guns:

Sigh. Today was supposed to be a good day. Oh well, CG was fun.

We were supposed to watch a free movie for The Lorax but the tickets ended up being invalid so we/ I ended up watching hunger games for the second time :> Oh well, no complaints there. Thereafter, we sat on the steps outside J8, chilling out and eating tako balls.

I'm feeling like $&*@& now. (that wasn't meant to be a profanity. I just cant find a word to describe it)
I just need someone to talk to. That is not a guy. Sorry Mr. Guardian Angel :x
All my friends are at the guides campfire. I'm kinda glad they are having fun and things seem alright now. As long as there all right, I guess I'm good. But things can be better.
I really miss my GERALTHER(NON) now. A lot.I miss feeling like I belong.  Don't get me wrong,  don't think they are leaving me out. I just can't relate to the things they like, the things they value and vice versa. But I still really love them as friends and would treat them like my siblings.

End of a hectic week!

FINALLY. That was one seriously exhausting week! Just totally chilled out since I came home. A consecutive tests in a week with logsheets due was definitely not fun at all :// Don't think I did very well for geog or chem. Math was OK, but could have done better.

I showed the montage during CCA yesterday. There wasn't much reaction from the juniors or maybe I was not looking. I shall observe during the 'encore' screening next week :x In any case, I hope they will be inspired and the seniors will relive their 3/2 years in the CCA. Since I only came in sec 2, I didn't have any photos of 2009. :(
Ah well.

I really wish things will go back to how they were in the past. Or perhaps they have really never been? Nah, I choose to believe otherwise. I admit, I was being stupid for the past few weeks. After the time I had today to think it through. I really have to start with the (wo)man in the mirror. I really hope it fixed. Honestly, truely do.

Anyway, I think Resonance is putting up an item at CHAMPS concert. Sigh. Looks like they don't need any more items. Oh well. I'm not desperate. I just need a platform to expand my passion in guitar and band. I think if I get the calling, I might try out serving as guitarist next year.
I don't think the band I am thinking of is what my clique group of friends are thinking about. K-pop is also a little hard for me to grasp since I can't understand korean.
I've decided to form a band after O levels. I have asked a few people and they have shown interest! Hmm.. somehow, thinking about all these gives me the motivation to study hard.
Back to the point, I have found my lead vocal and keyboardist. Not sure if I am gonna have a drummer or bassist just yet. Perhaps I may have two leads, one keyboardist and one guitarist and thats all. Until I find facilities for drumming/ for bass guitarist. I will continue my recruitment after O levels. Don't want to distract myself/ anyone else.
I am still thinking of a good band name though.

Well, today was a unique day :)

First, I blew up my hairdryer. I realise I have a tendency to set things on fire. Good thing SPA 1 and 2 are over. Hmm..Thats a testimony i gotta share next CG, on how I survived the exploding hairdryer. It happened so quickly. It just went CRACKK..BOOM. And I see sparks and fire. And then realised that i was holding on to something that was on fire. So I threw it on the floor and the fire went out. Thank God it didn't singe my hair or burn my hand. But it was quite a scare.I better stop setting things on fire. Carmen won't always be there to put it out 8D. The power in the whole house went out. Couldn't even use the phone. Took a while to get the power back on. Which explains why I was half an hour late for meeting renee at the ACJC carnival.

So, after finally reaching ACJC, renee and I met up with Carmen and Megan, But it was a teeny bit awkward since renee didn't know megan. and then later it became even more awkward cause me and Renee are being indecisive. I had island creamery nutella ice cream and thai milk tea xD And played a game which involved catching pokeballs. Which I failed in. Then, renee sponsored me to the marble game. Got myself a disney coin tin. I really wanted the rilakkuma T.T or at least the fat winnie the pooh thing since rilakkuma was taken. So close to getting 10 glasses! Oh well, at least now I know I am competent enough to play for a million dollars in minute to win it xD jkjk..

Hmm...just an ordinary day in school today.
Kept bumping into Zi Wei for some reason xD heh. She really reminds me of Megan xD

Now I realise that Guardian Angel has been reading my blog. xD Haha, don't get me wrong, I'm not an antisocial loner haha xD I do have many friends. But just as how I have many subscribers on youtube, there will always be the "haters" who dislike/ post mean comments on my videos even though time and effort was put into making them.

So super tired yet I cannot sleep cause there is a whole chain of thoughts running through my head.

Makes me wonder, is all that is happening lately/ happened made me doubt myself/ become more paranoid than usual? 

I dunno, lit class was quite awkward today. Why can't they just put ENOUGH tables in the classroom? I don't mind sitting alone but now I'm kinda forced to crash at someone's table or sit at the back of the class without a table like some loner D: And if I happen to be at a particular person's seat I wish she would just tell me. I don't like to be stared down.
 I really appreciate what Sylvia did although someone else's comment was quite a shot through the heart xP Rawr. Honestly, being in that particular lit class makes me feel like I am back in gym. And Sylvia is like phoebe or tiffanie or something. 

And recently what meant to be playful teasing had been getting awkward. I know she doesn't mean it but it makes me remember things that I don't quite want to remember. And I think I am getting more conscious about myself lately. 

Man. I really honestly do hate being weird. Not that I can do very much though. But this seriously made me wonder. I may be different from others but I haven't done anything wrong. At the very least, I wish my friends would stop calling me weird cause that kinda feels not-so-nice.  I just wish I could be like everyone else :/

Its a start of a new term :/

Tomorrow is day 1 of term 2 :/ Sure doesn't feel like it. The two terms just seems continuous. Well. I don't think I'm going to like term 2 very much. Firstly, one term closer to Os means 10times more work. Secondly, the coming of May signifies that it is time to step down  D: CCA is pretty much the only fun thing left in school. Other than friends maybe.
One happy thing is carnival I guess.

Anyway, I was standing at the door of the clubhouse listening/watching Ming sing I won't give up with Sean guitaring. I felt a sudden funny feeling. I've really always wanted to play guitar in front of an audience, although my skills are probably not the best. I plan to learn and further my guitar skills after Os. Theres so many things I want to do after Os. Like not forgetting to go back to help out with FLL. Anyway, back to the point. Me and XingYun considered contributing an item to some kind of fundraising concert but I don't think they need any performers anymore.
I have to admit, I'm pretty much under the shadow of my performer friends most of the time. I read back into a note that Yuting wrote back in sec one before we changed classes. Apparantly, I'm quite different from the friends in my clique. Well, then I think she meant it in terms of fangirling over guys but now, I think this still holds quite true for many areas. Most of my friends have performed items on stage, in front of an audience or are in a performing arts CCA and I'll have to say I've always been part of the audience. I'm not complaining tho. I'm not much of a singer. Neither have I danced for 3 years now. (apart from talenttime, which was a compulsory thing) To be honest though, I do miss dance. But if I go back to the Beijing Dance Academy Curriculum, I'll probably be the only 16 year old in a 13 year old class. Nah, but I don't think I would be quite comfortable singing or dancing in front of an audience right now.

Anyway, I was talking to Xinying the other day. Can't remember when, i think it was during breakfast of the CCA camp. I told her that it was hard to look happy when I'm actually not quite feeling 100% happy. That day MingXuan said I can't be 自卑 otherwise everyone else will be too. Thats quite true. Unhappiness is contagious. And so is happiness. So I think I rather think of happy things and be happy.

Still, too many things on my mind! One of my closest friends said that I lied all the time. I literally felt my heart breaking. I can't remember doing so. Well. Maybe. If lying that I'm feeling ok after the saturday of FLL is considered a lie. It was a white lie I guess. (refering to the paragraph above this one). haha, reminds me, it was raining really heavily that day. I still wonder whether Carmen was kidding about that umbrella to cheer me up or whether she was serious xD . Now I know what to ask the next time we play truth. xD

My secret mission is half complete. The other half will only be complete after the "secret mission" has been revealed xD
Its really not much and I'm not quite sure what kind of response I'll get. All that has happened lately seems to have made me a lot more cautious when I do things. I just hope it is a positive response. It is a parting gift for the seniors and a source of inspiration (i hope) for the juniors. I just really hope that 3 hours put into the thing was worth it and that it will make an impact.

CCA camp and CCA stuff

Anyway, day one(or rather night one) was mostly the planning of logi for day 2, some discussion on CCA "infrastructure". We watched YES Man before lights out but the night walk was cancelled :(
Oh yea, we showered before dinner and the shower heads were quite (-.-)...Out of so many holes, water only came out of 3 holes and the water pressure was so strong that it hurt. Should have switched cubicles before soaping up. After the shower, my jaw just swelled up :/

It was quite a cosy night in Comp lab 1. We were really lucky to get the air con on through the night. Not many get the privilege of that during camps ^^. We had bread and spread and hot milo for breakfast. Actually, we got hot milo for every meal. That gives a really homely feeling :)

Anyway, as I watched the juniors lead and the junior juniors play. I felt a really weird and fuzzy feeling inside. I didn't join robotics as a freshie in sec 1. Maybe that is the factor that makes this special sense of belonging and attachment to the CCA. Not quite sure if other members have felt this odd fuzzy feeling but its gonna be really awkward and melo. if I suddenly ask. xD
The transition from gym to robotics is really big. Its amazing really. I missed the infocomm auditions because my mum wanted me to audition for dance. I didn't make it (duh) and landed accidentally in gym. I carelessly took up the challenge and offer and stayed in gym for a year. Many times I wanted to quit. But I was denyed the chance thru one way or another. Finally, after 1 year and 2 months, I got into robotics.

I can still remember the O.O I felt when Rosemary went "HEY EVERYBODY. THIS IS SHANNON AND SHE WILL BE JOINING US FROM TODAY ON!" haha. I can remember the insecurity I felt then. Would they see me like how the people in gym saw me? So the nice-ness of the seniors and members of robotics really made me feel un-awkward and I adjusted fairly fast. In a few months, I was in a team participating in robocup. The experience of an international competition awed me. And after a few more months, I went on to lead a team in my first FLL competition. I knew very well that the other team was made to win but still, it was really the experience that matters. In another few months was the NRPC competition in which we worked with the juniors in small teams. It was kinda like a mini FLL. Then, in ANOTHER few months, I was already participating in my second FLL, under the leadership of MingXuan. I can't deny I had high hopes and was quite shattered when we didn't clinch the championship again but again, the experience gained was quite irreplacable.

So, in ANOTHER FEW MONTHS, the sec 4s will be stepping down. It sounds so sad. like stepping down. haha. but I guess we'll come back. like how the seniors do. It is heartening that even though we are facing an "ageing population", the spirit still remains and I hope it stays that way. It is comforting to see the juniors writing a "section pledge" and a new motto for our CCA.

Also, interacting with the other sections was also very enjoyable. I hardly ever talk to people from other sections. Expect for Xinying, Yuting, Jodie etc. probably.

CCA camp is over~

Back from the first ever infocomm camp. Although it is kinda sad that our first infocomm camp is also our last. (for sec 4s). Not complaining though, at least we got to experience it once. The overnight experience was kinda cool and for the first time, I actually slept and dreamed on a "first night" of any camp/overseas trip. Dreamt of prawn noodles and Joy waking everyone up /(-.-)/ 

Quite tired now, both physically and metally. Gonna take a nap soon. Prob be back to post more when I am more awake

The monday blues came early -.-

Its sunday morning. Heading to sunday school now. Kinda feel the "fuzzy" kind of excited cause we're gonna launch the revamped bulletin today :)

Anyway, the friday that just past made me think back on a lot of things. Way Way back. 5 years back in fact.
I don't wanna make the same mistake again. But now, the same feeling is coming back. I want so desperately to be able to help but I don't know how.

Then as I showered yesterday (-.-)/ I thought of something that kinda gave me the chills. I drew parallels to my friends in primary school and my friends in secondary school. Wait, I gotta go, don't want to be late for Sunday school. I'll be back.

I got an A1 for Amath!!! Its a 24/30. Its not much for others but I suppose it is an achievement for me ^^ I will aim higher the next time. Thank God for His miracle! 

I'm really tired but I have to go mug for bio soon. May go make some coffee~ sigh.. 

Just ate up a pack of maltesers. Again. *guity* xP The supposingly nonexistent problem has not been solved yet.  (oxymoron??)

I just want it to be over. I really miss how it was in the past. And CCA camp has to be perfect. 

Dear Lord...please let this be over soon..

Its Sunday today, and I'm really rushing the homework so this will be a quick one. 

Recently I have been feeling nervous for no apparant reason. I just can't sit still and my heart just constantly beats really fast like I just ran 5 rounds round the school track kind of fast :///

Anyway, I really felt like I  should send a text to her to clarify things. So I did. I did not get a reply but hopefully, everything will be okay. God will answer my prayers. And things will be alright, if this is meant to be.

Personal Mastery Day 2 etc.

Today was largely a fun day. Personal Mastery was from 8.00-6.00 so it was a full day course. It was interesting and quite insightful and definitely fun xD haha. We learnt about stress management, study techniques, learning styles, time management etc etc. I personally felt it was more relevant than previous year's personal mastery courses.

We played games -- chop chilli chop,  blow wind blow,  caterpillar,  big fish small fish, and continued our crazy gameplay during breaks and free slots -- hai dai (and the noodle version) , concentration, etc etc. Broken telephone was as funny as it always was. xD

They also kept us pretty well fed. Morning break -- Danish+ butter cake + char shao pastry thingy, Lunch -- Fried rice, terriyaki chicken, vegetables and crab croquettes, Afternoon tea -- More butter cake, chocolate bread/pastry and a rather odd mushroom vegetable quiche. No complaints there xD

But as usual, things are not getting any better. What more can I do? I just hope this gets fixed before CCA camp.

I got 23/30 for emath test. Thats an AWW MANNN for most of the people in my class. But for me, its a miracle! I haven't gotten above 20/30 in a math test for roughly a year now. Thank God. I think I might pass overall for CA1 emath now :) I will get my A1 in prelims and O levels! 

Anyway, more unhappy stuff happened today. I think I should stop thinking and worrying more than I should but at the same time, I feel so downright torn apart. Every day, I have to feel conflicted but still I do not stop trying? Am I trying hard enough? Or am I trying too hard? It says somewhere that there are times to hold on and times to let go?

I hope this ends soon. I really do

Today was such a tiring day. Not one of my best days.
I failed my SS test T.T  How can I fail one of my best subjects? T.T My time management is really giving me problems. Only wrote half a sentence for the last SBQ T.T

I am messed up now. Seriously MESSED UP. I need to get back on track. NOW. Ever since FLL, I've been thrown completely off track, scrambling here and there to get things done, solving problems and stuff. No, no, I don't blame FLL, FLL was one of my best experiences. Its just that I need to quiet down and reset my goals and set myself a direction. The number of times i have fallen down since the start of this year is quite uncountable and i have to admit, its getting harder to get up.

HOWEVER. Most of the time, we have to have those hard and painful falls before we learn to walk carefully. Even if my L1R5 is gonna be 30 or something, I'm gonna work hard and get my 4 points for Os. Then, this will be a testimony for God ^^

I really can't wait for CCA camp. <3 But I do hope the problem is solved before that. :'(

Woke up early today to make pancakes. <3 Added chocolate chips to half the batter to make chocolate chip pancakes. Drizzled the pancakes with hershey's chocolate syrup too :))

Sometimes, I really do wonder what I would do without my sister. She is kinda my source of protection and comfort in the house. When I get blamed/scolded etc etc. for really random reasons, she would usually stick up for me. Unless I'm really wrong in the situation. Which I think is definitely reasonable. I do know when I am wrong and have to admit and fix my mistakes.

Honestly, I really don't want to be at home sometimes but not that I have a choice. If I go out, my parents are gonna doubt that I studied because even when I am home for the whole day, they will still doubt my self-control and initiative to study.

I am only a student, there is only so much I can do in a day. How to "manage my time well" if dad wants me to clean, mum wants me to do my own laundry, I have to study and do homework and take care of Timmy?
Apparantly, I OUGHT to sacrifice my rest and leisure to do cleaning and chores.

I just got stopped in the middle of my post to pack my things and save them from the jaws of the dustbin. -.-
Aw. As if I am not used to this anymore. Oh well.

Sometimes, as a joke, my parents say that they would install a CCTV in the house. Sometimes I do wish they do. Then they will finally believe that I am doing stuff. >:[  Yea, my parents love me and care for me, buy my necessities and even wants, drive me to school when i need a ride but sometimes, I would give all that for a little UNDERSTANDING and AFFIRMATION.

I can't find a good confidante in school anymore. Someone who would actually listen and understand? Telling me to chill is not going to do anything much, but better than nothing.\ I miss my seniors so so much. I was really happy to see Megan on Friday and say Hi to Brenda over the phone. She thought I was Carmen but nevermind xD


Have to go now, before I get blasted. byee

I still can't believe I went all the way downstairs just to get myself a pack of maltesers. The stress must be getting to me. Grawrrr..I'm gonna get fat again. All the fat burned by the stress of FLL is coming back to haunt me xD

Today's geography test was quite bad, but not too bad. I barely finished xP But it could have been worse. Not something to mope about.

I'm still in quite a confused/disappointed/sad mood cause now that I know her side of the story, I kinda feel a little bad. But still, I didn't intentionally one to cause this. I did it under good intentions. The accusation, to this point, I would think, is still rather invalid. There wasn't a need to come to this extend. 

This is something I have been starting to ponder about since shortly before FLL. Life is simple, why make it so complicated? Just live each day to the fullest and be happy. Its kinda ironic now that I say this since I'm not  exactly very happy right now. 

But maybe whatever's happening now is a blessing in disguise? meant to help me see things in a bigger picture and to help me understand others better..

When a friend called and confided, I gave advice, encouragements but I may not be able to emphathise completely? She said I was strong and could handle much bad stuff. I prayed and said to God that I hoped so much for her to be OK, to the point that I was willing to take the burden for her. Because I thought I would have been able to manage it.

I treat my close friends like siblings. Because they are almost playing the role of siblings outside home. 

But now I really understand how it feels to have the things that you believe in crashed and hopes fade away and everything doesn't seem to work out and you have just no you feel comfortable to turn to. (except God maybe) 

But through this I really do get a bigger picture. Sometimes things may seem like they have been shattered but there will always be good family, friends etc. And God is always there. 

And I think I've decided. I will try and solve this and leave the rest to God. As long as I do not do anything against my own conscience, things...probably will work out. After all, friendship is important and if it is a mutual and true friendship.,It will stay that way.. 

Back to post again, just because I feel like it :)

Today is largely a good day. Yesterday night too :) Dad bought me a Christophori guitar bag. I hope the class hasn't forgot about the guitar accompaniment! I really do wish to play in front of an audience one day. Not that keen on singing though. And I do hope I'm good enough to play for the class. Anyway, me and xing yun played a few songs together with her as the singer while I guitared. It was awesome fun! We did songs like DJs got us falling in love, way back into love, price tag etc. I think we make a pretty good guitar-singer..thingy. xD

Also, I broke my personal record for 2.4 today! Nonetheless, that landed me with a headache for the rest of the day and its getting worse. It wasn't that good a timing anyway, but its a start, hope to get a C and get my Gold for NAPFA this year.

Math test was surprisingly, OK. I hope I didn't make any mistakes. That would land me safely above 20 marks upon 30, which I really need after I failed the first one. OW.. the headache is beginning to bother me. xP

Also, I realised, with surprise, that although I haven't had the time to update my youtube account, I've managed to hit 615 subscribers :) Whoots! Hope to reach a thousand by my first anniversary.

Alright, alright, the headache is really getting worse, signal for panadol and rest before I start mugging for geog!


heres another hymn that I particularly like and keeps me going :

I'm back to rant. FLL is over. And thats a weight off my shoulders.
We didn't get the championship though, 6-year defending champion, finally beaten  :P Nevertheless, I am still proud of EF and CC. We did brilliant in anyway!
But I can't deny it wasn't disappointing xP My heart totally sank when I heard our team name earlier than we are used to. I can understand why my junior was so disappointed. T.T Then when I checked my phone, all the comforting messages came in but somehow that made me feel even T.T

Right now, I've kinda gotten over it. And I'm really happy that one of our teammates has been chosen to go to America with the winning team :)) Though she may not go, it is a sign that she has what it takes! EF is proud of you! :))

The thing that is worrying my right now is my grades. I have failed 2 math tests and I am seriously worried. Chemistry wasn't any better. In fact, I think I might have gotten the lowest in class. :'( I don't want my mum/dad to attend PTD. Maybe I shouldn't have been so caught up with the competition, (not that I'm blaming it)

And I feel really bad now because I walked out on one of my best friends. I really didn't mean it but I felt it might have prevented my from arguing further or something. Honestly, I really wanted to cry when I heard such a statement made in front of me. :'( It was one of my more sensitive spots. I hope all the drama in school ends soon.
I miss the seniors so so much!




ALRIGHT. Depressing stuff aside, I am playing guitar for class CIP :)))) awesome awesome! :D I hope they don't change their mind about letting me play though, hopefully I will play well tomorrow.

Another good thing is that I defintely don't hate studying anymore. In fact, I have been considering to take the safe path and go to JC --- ACJC/AJ mayyyyyyybe NJ. If I do score well enough. But I shall not think about that now and just focus on my Os.

Anyway, the Musical that Brenda invited me and a few other friends to was really a good reminder of God's presence amidst this turmoil. Though we appear to face all kinds of bad stuff, God is always providing for us.

And also., the song "voice of truth" is exceptionally inspiring to me.

back again?

I expected I would blog about my trip to Australia since it was such a good time..ah well but never found the time or the determination to do so. Yet when I am back blogging so suddenly, you know its because I need to rant. -.-

nah..I wouldn't say I;m emotional or depressed or upset or anything. Just really really really deep in thought. So I have to apologize to the math teachers for that permenantly blank look I have on my face the past lessons.

FLL is coming. Again. I can still remember how it was like last year. It felt like only a few months ago. I can feel that same determination rise up inside again. Although my team did not win anything last year. The amount of things I learnt and the experiences I had was amazing. Frankly external fusion 2011 was an inspiration. I think we have to live up to that name. In less than a week, we'll be back at the Science centre defending that 6 year long championship. I thought last year was hard but apparantly I am quite wrong. This year is like a journey to the Land of far far away in Shrek the Movie or something. Its really not just the workload but a whole lot more is involved.

Right now, as I said, I am not feeling depressed or emotional or angry or any negative feeling. No actually I'm not sure if it is a negative feeling. I am feeling burdened. Maybe I think too much. And too little at the same time. Academics is not longer my thing. It was like, 10 thousand years ago since I stood on stage, with that prefect's tie neatly positioned on my uniform and holding that little red popular voucher and the certificate that signified academic achievement. Well, but what is past is past. Studies is just one of what I have been pondering about. (Not one of the tests I took since school reopened went particularly well)

Second, I haven't had the time to make any videos for my youtube account. The suscriber count is at 512. Lost about 30 or so from not posting much but thats okay. I mean, its kinda comforting in a way that 512 people around the world know you and appreciate what you do. Then, there will be those HATERS. Who just love hating. Ah well, youtube is part of the real world too O.O

Next on, (yea theres more) so many things have been happening around me. There are people who i really care for and really want to help but sometimes I just can't. The other day, someone said I was strong. No, not really. You never know what its like inside. Sometimes, it really does feel like you're hardly in control of anything. Recently, stuff on facebook is beginning to bug me a little. They suddenly seem so superficial. I just realised that the two sentences before this one does not link at all xD haha.

But I have to admit, I have never been so lost and scared before until recently. Some stuff happened recently and it was so scary and I just felt like -- I'm too young to handle this. But the adults do not understand. I can't tell and it seemed like its all up to me now. One wrong move and it could make a whole difference. I was honestly and practically scared to the point that I was shaking and can't stand still .  Maybe I overreacted/am overreacting.

Friends are indeed very important at this stage. I love my friends as long as they are my friends :))) That was mushy. But YEA I DO! Thats why I always have that habit of telling them "watch the roaddd!!!!" whenever we leave. Its funny really. I'm thankful for awesome friends that are there to hear me out. Funny how its actually harder to talk to the friends I always hang out with. Not that they are not good listeners cause I do confide to them and they are willing to listen but its just that different feel. People who know me would probably realise that I characteristically can't speak very clearly.Which explains the TSUNAMI of words once I come and rant on the blog.  I found out recently that I have a characteristically wierd walk as well. Its no wonder my closest friends call me wierd. heh. Its not a bad thing altogether. I can't describe it...hmm..

Another important thing, I'm not religious. I just live by what I believe in. And one thing that is really keeping me going recently is "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 cor. 10: 13. Temptations referring to trails/ difficulties. 


Suddenly I don't know how to conclude this. hahaha. tsk..its back to math and chemistry and fll then. EF, CC FTW <3 Sigh, honestly robotics is the only thing that I find harder to let go when I graduate. Somehow, CCA and the people in it seems to have a stronger attachment to you. Just like how I still miss dance and calligraphy. But seems like robotics and its members and the memories and experiences will stick longer. Since I'm older when I experienced gym and then robotics. 




Awkward conclusion..XD 


So anyway, I would just want to thank those that listened to me rant and if you actually came here to read it then thanks for hearing me out and always being available to listen and being supportive right now. I wish I could be equally helpful to you guys at some point. And I'll be really impressed if you actually read that whole chunk or rubbish rant up there.

10 things to Thank God for in 2011

1. For bringing me though my studies in sec 3 despite my "diedie zhuangzhuang"
2. For blessing me with a patient and understanding tuition teacher.
3. For giving me the chance to serve Him in prayer ministry and Camp comm.
4. For helping me survive OBS xD
5. For helping me through difficult times as a peer leader.
6. For helping me take up the habit of saying Grace
7. For bringing me to CG more often
8. For my sister who is constantly supporting me
9. For my parents' health and happiness
10. For bringing me closer to Him through prayer.

On the whole, its been a brilliant 2011. Though there are difficult times, it was really quite a unique year filled with memorable moments.