This is no good. My patience level is reaching the top.

Nowadays I've been spending my days in irrational guilt. Die Die Zhuang Zhuang. Still alive, but barely breathing. I'm struggling with my pride, my conscience, what other people tell me. But if not for God, I think I would have done something harsh out of anger and frustration now.

I wish things could be as simple as they were in the past. Life is not easy, but its simple. I wish people wouldn't make it dramatic.

Anyway, I recently been finding it harder and harder to be a good friend. Especially when you don't get respect, trust. And mutuality is important. Its just degrading when someone doesn't trust you to do anything but only sees you as a clumsy, forgetful dope.

I wonder now why I was even glad to have taken up my position as vice chair of robotics. I still love robotics, but I which I hadn't taken up the position. Because I felt as if I have done absolutely nothing. Juniors dont see me as their leader. I may be introverted but that doesn't mean I'm not approachable. But mainly, I just don't have that "cool" factor. And sometimes, that really sucks. But still God made me a little different for a reason. I guess I'll know when the time is right. But this just reinforces. I think C would have done a better job. mx is getting less respect than she deserves. I think people just don't realise what is done backstage. Only when the backstage workers stop working. Can they realise that there will be no show.

I wonder why position is so important. one of the things that I was so proud about Infocomm was that although it is the biggest CCA, it has hardly any, possibly no politics in it. But seems that now it has changed. Why is that one position so coveted? Why so important that you can go around debating who should be "enthroned".

Jn has had it though too. Talked to her today and suddenly just felt a wierd feeling like being punched in the stomach. Funny. How its the nice people who have to go thru all these wierd, messy, horrible stuff.

I'm not ready to handle some stuff at 16. Good friend says I'm enjoying the attention. At first, it felt good to be accepted but people can hardly realise what comes with it. Its harder to reject that it seems. I don't want to see GA hurt too.

I'll be applying for DPA into TP's CCM in a few days time. I want it so badly. Its not even a want its an ambition. But it also means starting a journey alone. Its gonna take time to adjust without my friends. I hope YY makes it there too.

I'm tired of being trampled on. I wish some people could just be a bit more sensitive. Because I really am reaching max point soon.