Today was such a tiring day. Not one of my best days.
I failed my SS test T.T  How can I fail one of my best subjects? T.T My time management is really giving me problems. Only wrote half a sentence for the last SBQ T.T

I am messed up now. Seriously MESSED UP. I need to get back on track. NOW. Ever since FLL, I've been thrown completely off track, scrambling here and there to get things done, solving problems and stuff. No, no, I don't blame FLL, FLL was one of my best experiences. Its just that I need to quiet down and reset my goals and set myself a direction. The number of times i have fallen down since the start of this year is quite uncountable and i have to admit, its getting harder to get up.

HOWEVER. Most of the time, we have to have those hard and painful falls before we learn to walk carefully. Even if my L1R5 is gonna be 30 or something, I'm gonna work hard and get my 4 points for Os. Then, this will be a testimony for God ^^

I really can't wait for CCA camp. <3 But I do hope the problem is solved before that. :'(

Woke up early today to make pancakes. <3 Added chocolate chips to half the batter to make chocolate chip pancakes. Drizzled the pancakes with hershey's chocolate syrup too :))

Sometimes, I really do wonder what I would do without my sister. She is kinda my source of protection and comfort in the house. When I get blamed/scolded etc etc. for really random reasons, she would usually stick up for me. Unless I'm really wrong in the situation. Which I think is definitely reasonable. I do know when I am wrong and have to admit and fix my mistakes.

Honestly, I really don't want to be at home sometimes but not that I have a choice. If I go out, my parents are gonna doubt that I studied because even when I am home for the whole day, they will still doubt my self-control and initiative to study.

I am only a student, there is only so much I can do in a day. How to "manage my time well" if dad wants me to clean, mum wants me to do my own laundry, I have to study and do homework and take care of Timmy?
Apparantly, I OUGHT to sacrifice my rest and leisure to do cleaning and chores.

I just got stopped in the middle of my post to pack my things and save them from the jaws of the dustbin. -.-
Aw. As if I am not used to this anymore. Oh well.

Sometimes, as a joke, my parents say that they would install a CCTV in the house. Sometimes I do wish they do. Then they will finally believe that I am doing stuff. >:[  Yea, my parents love me and care for me, buy my necessities and even wants, drive me to school when i need a ride but sometimes, I would give all that for a little UNDERSTANDING and AFFIRMATION.

I can't find a good confidante in school anymore. Someone who would actually listen and understand? Telling me to chill is not going to do anything much, but better than nothing.\ I miss my seniors so so much. I was really happy to see Megan on Friday and say Hi to Brenda over the phone. She thought I was Carmen but nevermind xD


Have to go now, before I get blasted. byee

I still can't believe I went all the way downstairs just to get myself a pack of maltesers. The stress must be getting to me. Grawrrr..I'm gonna get fat again. All the fat burned by the stress of FLL is coming back to haunt me xD

Today's geography test was quite bad, but not too bad. I barely finished xP But it could have been worse. Not something to mope about.

I'm still in quite a confused/disappointed/sad mood cause now that I know her side of the story, I kinda feel a little bad. But still, I didn't intentionally one to cause this. I did it under good intentions. The accusation, to this point, I would think, is still rather invalid. There wasn't a need to come to this extend. 

This is something I have been starting to ponder about since shortly before FLL. Life is simple, why make it so complicated? Just live each day to the fullest and be happy. Its kinda ironic now that I say this since I'm not  exactly very happy right now. 

But maybe whatever's happening now is a blessing in disguise? meant to help me see things in a bigger picture and to help me understand others better..

When a friend called and confided, I gave advice, encouragements but I may not be able to emphathise completely? She said I was strong and could handle much bad stuff. I prayed and said to God that I hoped so much for her to be OK, to the point that I was willing to take the burden for her. Because I thought I would have been able to manage it.

I treat my close friends like siblings. Because they are almost playing the role of siblings outside home. 

But now I really understand how it feels to have the things that you believe in crashed and hopes fade away and everything doesn't seem to work out and you have just no you feel comfortable to turn to. (except God maybe) 

But through this I really do get a bigger picture. Sometimes things may seem like they have been shattered but there will always be good family, friends etc. And God is always there. 

And I think I've decided. I will try and solve this and leave the rest to God. As long as I do not do anything against my own conscience, things...probably will work out. After all, friendship is important and if it is a mutual and true friendship.,It will stay that way.. 

Back to post again, just because I feel like it :)

Today is largely a good day. Yesterday night too :) Dad bought me a Christophori guitar bag. I hope the class hasn't forgot about the guitar accompaniment! I really do wish to play in front of an audience one day. Not that keen on singing though. And I do hope I'm good enough to play for the class. Anyway, me and xing yun played a few songs together with her as the singer while I guitared. It was awesome fun! We did songs like DJs got us falling in love, way back into love, price tag etc. I think we make a pretty good guitar-singer..thingy. xD

Also, I broke my personal record for 2.4 today! Nonetheless, that landed me with a headache for the rest of the day and its getting worse. It wasn't that good a timing anyway, but its a start, hope to get a C and get my Gold for NAPFA this year.

Math test was surprisingly, OK. I hope I didn't make any mistakes. That would land me safely above 20 marks upon 30, which I really need after I failed the first one. OW.. the headache is beginning to bother me. xP

Also, I realised, with surprise, that although I haven't had the time to update my youtube account, I've managed to hit 615 subscribers :) Whoots! Hope to reach a thousand by my first anniversary.

Alright, alright, the headache is really getting worse, signal for panadol and rest before I start mugging for geog!


heres another hymn that I particularly like and keeps me going :

I'm back to rant. FLL is over. And thats a weight off my shoulders.
We didn't get the championship though, 6-year defending champion, finally beaten  :P Nevertheless, I am still proud of EF and CC. We did brilliant in anyway!
But I can't deny it wasn't disappointing xP My heart totally sank when I heard our team name earlier than we are used to. I can understand why my junior was so disappointed. T.T Then when I checked my phone, all the comforting messages came in but somehow that made me feel even T.T

Right now, I've kinda gotten over it. And I'm really happy that one of our teammates has been chosen to go to America with the winning team :)) Though she may not go, it is a sign that she has what it takes! EF is proud of you! :))

The thing that is worrying my right now is my grades. I have failed 2 math tests and I am seriously worried. Chemistry wasn't any better. In fact, I think I might have gotten the lowest in class. :'( I don't want my mum/dad to attend PTD. Maybe I shouldn't have been so caught up with the competition, (not that I'm blaming it)

And I feel really bad now because I walked out on one of my best friends. I really didn't mean it but I felt it might have prevented my from arguing further or something. Honestly, I really wanted to cry when I heard such a statement made in front of me. :'( It was one of my more sensitive spots. I hope all the drama in school ends soon.
I miss the seniors so so much!




ALRIGHT. Depressing stuff aside, I am playing guitar for class CIP :)))) awesome awesome! :D I hope they don't change their mind about letting me play though, hopefully I will play well tomorrow.

Another good thing is that I defintely don't hate studying anymore. In fact, I have been considering to take the safe path and go to JC --- ACJC/AJ mayyyyyyybe NJ. If I do score well enough. But I shall not think about that now and just focus on my Os.

Anyway, the Musical that Brenda invited me and a few other friends to was really a good reminder of God's presence amidst this turmoil. Though we appear to face all kinds of bad stuff, God is always providing for us.

And also., the song "voice of truth" is exceptionally inspiring to me.

back again?

I expected I would blog about my trip to Australia since it was such a good time..ah well but never found the time or the determination to do so. Yet when I am back blogging so suddenly, you know its because I need to rant. -.-

nah..I wouldn't say I;m emotional or depressed or upset or anything. Just really really really deep in thought. So I have to apologize to the math teachers for that permenantly blank look I have on my face the past lessons.

FLL is coming. Again. I can still remember how it was like last year. It felt like only a few months ago. I can feel that same determination rise up inside again. Although my team did not win anything last year. The amount of things I learnt and the experiences I had was amazing. Frankly external fusion 2011 was an inspiration. I think we have to live up to that name. In less than a week, we'll be back at the Science centre defending that 6 year long championship. I thought last year was hard but apparantly I am quite wrong. This year is like a journey to the Land of far far away in Shrek the Movie or something. Its really not just the workload but a whole lot more is involved.

Right now, as I said, I am not feeling depressed or emotional or angry or any negative feeling. No actually I'm not sure if it is a negative feeling. I am feeling burdened. Maybe I think too much. And too little at the same time. Academics is not longer my thing. It was like, 10 thousand years ago since I stood on stage, with that prefect's tie neatly positioned on my uniform and holding that little red popular voucher and the certificate that signified academic achievement. Well, but what is past is past. Studies is just one of what I have been pondering about. (Not one of the tests I took since school reopened went particularly well)

Second, I haven't had the time to make any videos for my youtube account. The suscriber count is at 512. Lost about 30 or so from not posting much but thats okay. I mean, its kinda comforting in a way that 512 people around the world know you and appreciate what you do. Then, there will be those HATERS. Who just love hating. Ah well, youtube is part of the real world too O.O

Next on, (yea theres more) so many things have been happening around me. There are people who i really care for and really want to help but sometimes I just can't. The other day, someone said I was strong. No, not really. You never know what its like inside. Sometimes, it really does feel like you're hardly in control of anything. Recently, stuff on facebook is beginning to bug me a little. They suddenly seem so superficial. I just realised that the two sentences before this one does not link at all xD haha.

But I have to admit, I have never been so lost and scared before until recently. Some stuff happened recently and it was so scary and I just felt like -- I'm too young to handle this. But the adults do not understand. I can't tell and it seemed like its all up to me now. One wrong move and it could make a whole difference. I was honestly and practically scared to the point that I was shaking and can't stand still .  Maybe I overreacted/am overreacting.

Friends are indeed very important at this stage. I love my friends as long as they are my friends :))) That was mushy. But YEA I DO! Thats why I always have that habit of telling them "watch the roaddd!!!!" whenever we leave. Its funny really. I'm thankful for awesome friends that are there to hear me out. Funny how its actually harder to talk to the friends I always hang out with. Not that they are not good listeners cause I do confide to them and they are willing to listen but its just that different feel. People who know me would probably realise that I characteristically can't speak very clearly.Which explains the TSUNAMI of words once I come and rant on the blog.  I found out recently that I have a characteristically wierd walk as well. Its no wonder my closest friends call me wierd. heh. Its not a bad thing altogether. I can't describe it...hmm..

Another important thing, I'm not religious. I just live by what I believe in. And one thing that is really keeping me going recently is "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 cor. 10: 13. Temptations referring to trails/ difficulties. 


Suddenly I don't know how to conclude this. hahaha. tsk..its back to math and chemistry and fll then. EF, CC FTW <3 Sigh, honestly robotics is the only thing that I find harder to let go when I graduate. Somehow, CCA and the people in it seems to have a stronger attachment to you. Just like how I still miss dance and calligraphy. But seems like robotics and its members and the memories and experiences will stick longer. Since I'm older when I experienced gym and then robotics. 




Awkward conclusion..XD 


So anyway, I would just want to thank those that listened to me rant and if you actually came here to read it then thanks for hearing me out and always being available to listen and being supportive right now. I wish I could be equally helpful to you guys at some point. And I'll be really impressed if you actually read that whole chunk or rubbish rant up there.