So tired~ 

My eyes are kinda swollen. Can't really open them wide. I had a though night. 

I wished I could have skyped with jie. I waited the whole day for that. But I was just too upset and tired. Not with her :/ Jie would have been able to help I guess. Anyway, didn't want to go in front of the webcam looking like that --> ;____; 

It wasn't entirely because of mar's comments but probably all the pent up frustration. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all these while I'm trying to chiong for prelims and apply my DPA and stuff. My grades are crazy bad for someone whos gonna take olevels in a few months time and I just don't have the time or energy to care about irrational stuff. 

I'm glad I talked to my mentor yesterday tho. Made me feel a little better. And I guess I know what I have to do, though it won't be easy. Praying for higher patience level. And I guess it also shifted my POV a little and allow me to put away my anger and frustration for a bit and TRY to understand them. I still can't. But I'll TRY.

This is no good. My patience level is reaching the top.

Nowadays I've been spending my days in irrational guilt. Die Die Zhuang Zhuang. Still alive, but barely breathing. I'm struggling with my pride, my conscience, what other people tell me. But if not for God, I think I would have done something harsh out of anger and frustration now.

I wish things could be as simple as they were in the past. Life is not easy, but its simple. I wish people wouldn't make it dramatic.

Anyway, I recently been finding it harder and harder to be a good friend. Especially when you don't get respect, trust. And mutuality is important. Its just degrading when someone doesn't trust you to do anything but only sees you as a clumsy, forgetful dope.

I wonder now why I was even glad to have taken up my position as vice chair of robotics. I still love robotics, but I which I hadn't taken up the position. Because I felt as if I have done absolutely nothing. Juniors dont see me as their leader. I may be introverted but that doesn't mean I'm not approachable. But mainly, I just don't have that "cool" factor. And sometimes, that really sucks. But still God made me a little different for a reason. I guess I'll know when the time is right. But this just reinforces. I think C would have done a better job. mx is getting less respect than she deserves. I think people just don't realise what is done backstage. Only when the backstage workers stop working. Can they realise that there will be no show.

I wonder why position is so important. one of the things that I was so proud about Infocomm was that although it is the biggest CCA, it has hardly any, possibly no politics in it. But seems that now it has changed. Why is that one position so coveted? Why so important that you can go around debating who should be "enthroned".

Jn has had it though too. Talked to her today and suddenly just felt a wierd feeling like being punched in the stomach. Funny. How its the nice people who have to go thru all these wierd, messy, horrible stuff.

I'm not ready to handle some stuff at 16. Good friend says I'm enjoying the attention. At first, it felt good to be accepted but people can hardly realise what comes with it. Its harder to reject that it seems. I don't want to see GA hurt too.

I'll be applying for DPA into TP's CCM in a few days time. I want it so badly. Its not even a want its an ambition. But it also means starting a journey alone. Its gonna take time to adjust without my friends. I hope YY makes it there too.

I'm tired of being trampled on. I wish some people could just be a bit more sensitive. Because I really am reaching max point soon.

Thats fast. WRT is over.
Once again deep in thought after the incidents today.

I realised that I'm now/was? in a stage where acceptance was so important that I strayed off who I really am. And I realise I'm becoming more impulse and defensive. I guess its over the years, building up and just this year, I started to feel a need to stop getting trampled over, teased, and instead be recognised. I guess right now I am still in the journey of self discovery. But after today, I realised that it is seriously best to be who we really are. I read through my ISFJ profiling thingy and started to wonder if people saw that in me. And THEN, started to wonder if that was important 0.0

Alone at home again~
Sometimes I would want company, but today is one of the days that I am glad to have the peace and quiet.

I was looking through facebook and I feel kinda guilty for slacking so much this week. I wonder where I'll be  without study camp. O.O
I just received the PG seminar pack from TP last night. I'm quite excited about the campus tour.

Really Tired~
Been thinking about a lot of things today. Left retreat early to go to CIP but I kinda regretted it cuz the meeting wasn't as important and essential as they put it. But important anyways :/ I mean..yea..
Retreat was meaningful and fun. Better than the previous one I felt. Partially also because of the things that happened over the past year. Its nice yet not nice to think back.
And I think I was way too tired that I was having a lot a lot of messy thoughts in my head. Things have changed so much from how they used to be in the past :[
I wonder if I had become a better friend/person as I grow up. For some reason, that bothers me a lot.
I guess shes right. I'm just enjoying the attention. But that really bad and I feel kinda bad about it. I'm gonna start "afresh" from tomorrow on. Not gonna talk about it anymore.

Also, I realise that there are so much more to people that we don't know about. For some reason, due to my own experiences and thoughts, I can understand. Yet I don't know how to show it. I have never been good at words. And I'm not quite sure if anyone actually do take my letters seriously. Not that I'm doubting anyone but just wondering if it actually helped them. I really do think that helping people is important. But at the same time, I just wonder what I can do. I am well aware that I'm the weird one, especially in school, (nothing to be ashamed of, yet nothing to boast about)
I can hardly help my closest friends, who are a bunch of Kpop fanatics. but they are really a bunch of really nice people. Its hard to relate to them and makes me miss the days when conversation was not all about Kpop. Its perfectly fine to fangirl but I personally feel like sometimes, the line is crossed. I really cannot name a very close friend that is not into kpop.
I dunno but I find that sometimes, just sometimes, these things make things superficial. Not that the people are superficial but like I said, theres a limit. I mean I do personally have a favoured kpop band but I don't spend most of my time on it. Neither is it my topic of conversation 99% of the time. I feel..that there are more important things than that..
I don't hold anything against my friends who are fans of Kpop but yea, things did use to be different. And I "ownself" said it, times change and people change to adapt. Somehow this is where the world takes us.
As you can probably tell by now that this is one of the posts that I suddenly go super deep but this is what happens when I do reflect on stuff.

I guess its right that whatever we take for granted we would lose at some point or another, be it for a short time or for good. Except God. We've probably taken Him for granted loads of times but He's always there ready to have us back again.

Anyway, I still wonder what others see in me. And wonder if that is important. More than just a clumsy, goofy, slightly 'derpy' sotong I hope :'D Many people have told me that I'm too nice. Wonder what nice means actually. But like I mentioned last time, I think things would have been much easier if I was a little bit more normal?? I took the DISC test last night during retreat and Jo roughly helped me look through it and told me that the results are like hers. Which surprised me quite a bit. But I guess I'll only find out the results and the interpretation tomorrow.

This really is a very long post. Still pondering about a lot of things but I hope I can start to 'do better' tomorrow. I have been so caught up with work, social life that I have honestly forgotten what is truly important.

But I guess its not too late to change now. And hope that I bear this in mind. and not get too caught in social norms. Just to be normal. So sometimes, ironically, contradictoringly, its good to be weird.

Finally, its gonna be the holidays. Well, not exactly, I'll still be going to study camp for another week. But thats okay. I'm more productive there.
Its been really exhausting and I don't think I did well for my math mocks :( The others were okay I guess. The teachers gave us plenty of "presents" to last us through our holidays. And on the last day of EC, there was an education fair. Its kinda the first time the polys got the spotlight in school and that made me feel kinda comforted and happy.
I still really want to pursue the culinary arts and after reading through all the course booklets from the various school, I realised that TP is still the way to go. Although, if  I wanted to be a food scientist or go into business in general, I could go to SP or NYP.

I realise I haven't posted in awhile. Been really tired and busy with schoolwork. I practically slept the weekend away. Term 2 must have taken its toll on me o.0
Theres school for another three weeks. Oh well, at least theres one week holiday. Prob the best I'd ever get before Olevels end.
Study Camp has been alright, pretty productive, but draining too. And I think they're trying to make us fat with the food. O.O