Its gonna be Sunday soon. I think I slacked off my saturday again T.T and prelims is next week. For some reason, I just can't seem to force myself to study on Saturdays. I need to MUG tomorrow. At the same time, I have to finish building my bakery and editing by this week cuz I don't wanna eat into my prelims.

This week was relatively alright.
Went for my DPA interview on Monday. Good thing aunt went with me. Otherwise I'll be a lost duck -.- as usual..Totally forgot how to walk the sheltered way thru engineering school to get to TCA. The interview surprisingly wasn't scary but I don't feel I have very much "ba wo" since the other applicants were all really good. And we are only 6 among so many. I really was that place very much tho. Still have that twinge of hope inside me. But like aryee said, if this is the right way to walk, God will path the way for me~

School was stressful, not only in terms of studies. But in many other ways too. There are some not so nice stuff that we settled but there is still some discomfort in me. I hope good friend is doing ok. I feel so disgustingly conflicted. Still trapped in unknown (and irrational??) guilt and confusion. Although I don't show it, it really feels disgusting. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what that something is. Despite my frustration, I still do care about her.

But at the same time, in this period of time, I've really seen the side of my friends that I've never seen before. Difficult times do bring out the best in people sometimes. Just to name a few, JoN, I think I never really knew her but my respect for her just grew even more. yt, her rationality in handling situations. Ni, for her sensitivity and encouraging-ness..xy for her effort to bring out the best in her friends and her resilience, mx for understanding and sensitivity, ym for just giving me a strange sense of safety and comfort, kw, for that little action that changed my week. There are so many other people, in church, at home that have been really awesome but I shall leave that for another time. God is really good, for letting me have all these people in my life~

It was fun doing sound today. And  I am quite satisfied with how the bulletin turned out today too :) God always works in our lives to make these possible~
Today, the article is one of those that strike me heavily. Just like the article on footprints in the sand a few years back. Thus the name of my blog and my tumblr. Its about a train and the passengers. Basically, it really reminds me to put my focus back on what is truly important and not be caught in the frenzy of fulfilling seemingly important tasks.

I'm going for my interview for DPA into TP tomorrow. After yesterday, I started to wonder if there was even a need to DPA. But now that I've already come this 'far', I'll just be honest and confident tomorrow I guess. Just hope I wouldn't miss out too much in school.
Last night I also have a sudden fear, whether I really belong in the poly path. Maybe its from seeing all my seniors' JC photos on my facebook newsfeed. It really would be a whole new environment. And like xy said, it is a risky path but if I don't take the risk, my ambition and passion will just get further away each time i miss an opportunity. She said that therefore, I really must be the best if I want to take this path.
That, last night, also suddenly (and scarily) made me consider if I really wanted to go into FandB. But I think its just because of the nerves and tiredness cause I feel slightly surer today. I guess.

Finally the end of another exhausting and crazy week. I wanna work on my bakery but kinda tired now and maybe mum won't let me sleep too late.
Worship prac was great today. It was fun and rejuvenating. After one week of rushing around, rushing emotions, competing with time etc..slowing down and spending time with God really calms me down.

Just looking back, the past weeks I was just so frenzied that I hardly have time to stop and think. But I think that after all that has happened, I really did become stronger and better at handling ..stuff..I think. After all, #what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I am eagerly awaiting the end of Olevels. In fact, eagerly would be an understatement. But definitely, I know I'm gonna miss a lot of things and a lot of people.

And one thing for sure. I know that the path I am going to take is gonna start out as a lonely one. Hopefully, I will be able to adjust, and find a new group of buddehs. 

Its been really crazy so far, with so many things happening. 

Its the first time I'm experiencing such a thing. And its just a horrible sinking feeling. Not only of the incident itself, but also of wanting to do something to help, but you just can't. 

It makes me realise how fragile life is. And we should really live each day to the fullest. May God bless her and her family and all those around her, and may she rest in peace..

The things that have been happening also makes me think, what are we really doing with our lives. Have we been treating those around us well? Treasure the things we have instead of taking them for granted? Put ourselves into others shoes? 

I think in this frenzied atmosphere, young people sometimes, have really lost sight of what truly matters.

So tired~ 

My eyes are kinda swollen. Can't really open them wide. I had a though night. 

I wished I could have skyped with jie. I waited the whole day for that. But I was just too upset and tired. Not with her :/ Jie would have been able to help I guess. Anyway, didn't want to go in front of the webcam looking like that --> ;____; 

It wasn't entirely because of mar's comments but probably all the pent up frustration. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all these while I'm trying to chiong for prelims and apply my DPA and stuff. My grades are crazy bad for someone whos gonna take olevels in a few months time and I just don't have the time or energy to care about irrational stuff. 

I'm glad I talked to my mentor yesterday tho. Made me feel a little better. And I guess I know what I have to do, though it won't be easy. Praying for higher patience level. And I guess it also shifted my POV a little and allow me to put away my anger and frustration for a bit and TRY to understand them. I still can't. But I'll TRY.

This is no good. My patience level is reaching the top.

Nowadays I've been spending my days in irrational guilt. Die Die Zhuang Zhuang. Still alive, but barely breathing. I'm struggling with my pride, my conscience, what other people tell me. But if not for God, I think I would have done something harsh out of anger and frustration now.

I wish things could be as simple as they were in the past. Life is not easy, but its simple. I wish people wouldn't make it dramatic.

Anyway, I recently been finding it harder and harder to be a good friend. Especially when you don't get respect, trust. And mutuality is important. Its just degrading when someone doesn't trust you to do anything but only sees you as a clumsy, forgetful dope.

I wonder now why I was even glad to have taken up my position as vice chair of robotics. I still love robotics, but I which I hadn't taken up the position. Because I felt as if I have done absolutely nothing. Juniors dont see me as their leader. I may be introverted but that doesn't mean I'm not approachable. But mainly, I just don't have that "cool" factor. And sometimes, that really sucks. But still God made me a little different for a reason. I guess I'll know when the time is right. But this just reinforces. I think C would have done a better job. mx is getting less respect than she deserves. I think people just don't realise what is done backstage. Only when the backstage workers stop working. Can they realise that there will be no show.

I wonder why position is so important. one of the things that I was so proud about Infocomm was that although it is the biggest CCA, it has hardly any, possibly no politics in it. But seems that now it has changed. Why is that one position so coveted? Why so important that you can go around debating who should be "enthroned".

Jn has had it though too. Talked to her today and suddenly just felt a wierd feeling like being punched in the stomach. Funny. How its the nice people who have to go thru all these wierd, messy, horrible stuff.

I'm not ready to handle some stuff at 16. Good friend says I'm enjoying the attention. At first, it felt good to be accepted but people can hardly realise what comes with it. Its harder to reject that it seems. I don't want to see GA hurt too.

I'll be applying for DPA into TP's CCM in a few days time. I want it so badly. Its not even a want its an ambition. But it also means starting a journey alone. Its gonna take time to adjust without my friends. I hope YY makes it there too.

I'm tired of being trampled on. I wish some people could just be a bit more sensitive. Because I really am reaching max point soon.