Sigh. Today was supposed to be a good day. Oh well, CG was fun.

We were supposed to watch a free movie for The Lorax but the tickets ended up being invalid so we/ I ended up watching hunger games for the second time :> Oh well, no complaints there. Thereafter, we sat on the steps outside J8, chilling out and eating tako balls.

I'm feeling like $&*@& now. (that wasn't meant to be a profanity. I just cant find a word to describe it)
I just need someone to talk to. That is not a guy. Sorry Mr. Guardian Angel :x
All my friends are at the guides campfire. I'm kinda glad they are having fun and things seem alright now. As long as there all right, I guess I'm good. But things can be better.
I really miss my GERALTHER(NON) now. A lot.I miss feeling like I belong.  Don't get me wrong,  don't think they are leaving me out. I just can't relate to the things they like, the things they value and vice versa. But I still really love them as friends and would treat them like my siblings.

End of a hectic week!

FINALLY. That was one seriously exhausting week! Just totally chilled out since I came home. A consecutive tests in a week with logsheets due was definitely not fun at all :// Don't think I did very well for geog or chem. Math was OK, but could have done better.

I showed the montage during CCA yesterday. There wasn't much reaction from the juniors or maybe I was not looking. I shall observe during the 'encore' screening next week :x In any case, I hope they will be inspired and the seniors will relive their 3/2 years in the CCA. Since I only came in sec 2, I didn't have any photos of 2009. :(
Ah well.

I really wish things will go back to how they were in the past. Or perhaps they have really never been? Nah, I choose to believe otherwise. I admit, I was being stupid for the past few weeks. After the time I had today to think it through. I really have to start with the (wo)man in the mirror. I really hope it fixed. Honestly, truely do.

Anyway, I think Resonance is putting up an item at CHAMPS concert. Sigh. Looks like they don't need any more items. Oh well. I'm not desperate. I just need a platform to expand my passion in guitar and band. I think if I get the calling, I might try out serving as guitarist next year.
I don't think the band I am thinking of is what my clique group of friends are thinking about. K-pop is also a little hard for me to grasp since I can't understand korean.
I've decided to form a band after O levels. I have asked a few people and they have shown interest! Hmm.. somehow, thinking about all these gives me the motivation to study hard.
Back to the point, I have found my lead vocal and keyboardist. Not sure if I am gonna have a drummer or bassist just yet. Perhaps I may have two leads, one keyboardist and one guitarist and thats all. Until I find facilities for drumming/ for bass guitarist. I will continue my recruitment after O levels. Don't want to distract myself/ anyone else.
I am still thinking of a good band name though.

Well, today was a unique day :)

First, I blew up my hairdryer. I realise I have a tendency to set things on fire. Good thing SPA 1 and 2 are over. Hmm..Thats a testimony i gotta share next CG, on how I survived the exploding hairdryer. It happened so quickly. It just went CRACKK..BOOM. And I see sparks and fire. And then realised that i was holding on to something that was on fire. So I threw it on the floor and the fire went out. Thank God it didn't singe my hair or burn my hand. But it was quite a scare.I better stop setting things on fire. Carmen won't always be there to put it out 8D. The power in the whole house went out. Couldn't even use the phone. Took a while to get the power back on. Which explains why I was half an hour late for meeting renee at the ACJC carnival.

So, after finally reaching ACJC, renee and I met up with Carmen and Megan, But it was a teeny bit awkward since renee didn't know megan. and then later it became even more awkward cause me and Renee are being indecisive. I had island creamery nutella ice cream and thai milk tea xD And played a game which involved catching pokeballs. Which I failed in. Then, renee sponsored me to the marble game. Got myself a disney coin tin. I really wanted the rilakkuma T.T or at least the fat winnie the pooh thing since rilakkuma was taken. So close to getting 10 glasses! Oh well, at least now I know I am competent enough to play for a million dollars in minute to win it xD jkjk..

Hmm...just an ordinary day in school today.
Kept bumping into Zi Wei for some reason xD heh. She really reminds me of Megan xD

Now I realise that Guardian Angel has been reading my blog. xD Haha, don't get me wrong, I'm not an antisocial loner haha xD I do have many friends. But just as how I have many subscribers on youtube, there will always be the "haters" who dislike/ post mean comments on my videos even though time and effort was put into making them.

So super tired yet I cannot sleep cause there is a whole chain of thoughts running through my head.

Makes me wonder, is all that is happening lately/ happened made me doubt myself/ become more paranoid than usual? 

I dunno, lit class was quite awkward today. Why can't they just put ENOUGH tables in the classroom? I don't mind sitting alone but now I'm kinda forced to crash at someone's table or sit at the back of the class without a table like some loner D: And if I happen to be at a particular person's seat I wish she would just tell me. I don't like to be stared down.
 I really appreciate what Sylvia did although someone else's comment was quite a shot through the heart xP Rawr. Honestly, being in that particular lit class makes me feel like I am back in gym. And Sylvia is like phoebe or tiffanie or something. 

And recently what meant to be playful teasing had been getting awkward. I know she doesn't mean it but it makes me remember things that I don't quite want to remember. And I think I am getting more conscious about myself lately. 

Man. I really honestly do hate being weird. Not that I can do very much though. But this seriously made me wonder. I may be different from others but I haven't done anything wrong. At the very least, I wish my friends would stop calling me weird cause that kinda feels not-so-nice.  I just wish I could be like everyone else :/

Its a start of a new term :/

Tomorrow is day 1 of term 2 :/ Sure doesn't feel like it. The two terms just seems continuous. Well. I don't think I'm going to like term 2 very much. Firstly, one term closer to Os means 10times more work. Secondly, the coming of May signifies that it is time to step down  D: CCA is pretty much the only fun thing left in school. Other than friends maybe.
One happy thing is carnival I guess.

Anyway, I was standing at the door of the clubhouse listening/watching Ming sing I won't give up with Sean guitaring. I felt a sudden funny feeling. I've really always wanted to play guitar in front of an audience, although my skills are probably not the best. I plan to learn and further my guitar skills after Os. Theres so many things I want to do after Os. Like not forgetting to go back to help out with FLL. Anyway, back to the point. Me and XingYun considered contributing an item to some kind of fundraising concert but I don't think they need any performers anymore.
I have to admit, I'm pretty much under the shadow of my performer friends most of the time. I read back into a note that Yuting wrote back in sec one before we changed classes. Apparantly, I'm quite different from the friends in my clique. Well, then I think she meant it in terms of fangirling over guys but now, I think this still holds quite true for many areas. Most of my friends have performed items on stage, in front of an audience or are in a performing arts CCA and I'll have to say I've always been part of the audience. I'm not complaining tho. I'm not much of a singer. Neither have I danced for 3 years now. (apart from talenttime, which was a compulsory thing) To be honest though, I do miss dance. But if I go back to the Beijing Dance Academy Curriculum, I'll probably be the only 16 year old in a 13 year old class. Nah, but I don't think I would be quite comfortable singing or dancing in front of an audience right now.

Anyway, I was talking to Xinying the other day. Can't remember when, i think it was during breakfast of the CCA camp. I told her that it was hard to look happy when I'm actually not quite feeling 100% happy. That day MingXuan said I can't be 自卑 otherwise everyone else will be too. Thats quite true. Unhappiness is contagious. And so is happiness. So I think I rather think of happy things and be happy.

Still, too many things on my mind! One of my closest friends said that I lied all the time. I literally felt my heart breaking. I can't remember doing so. Well. Maybe. If lying that I'm feeling ok after the saturday of FLL is considered a lie. It was a white lie I guess. (refering to the paragraph above this one). haha, reminds me, it was raining really heavily that day. I still wonder whether Carmen was kidding about that umbrella to cheer me up or whether she was serious xD . Now I know what to ask the next time we play truth. xD

My secret mission is half complete. The other half will only be complete after the "secret mission" has been revealed xD
Its really not much and I'm not quite sure what kind of response I'll get. All that has happened lately seems to have made me a lot more cautious when I do things. I just hope it is a positive response. It is a parting gift for the seniors and a source of inspiration (i hope) for the juniors. I just really hope that 3 hours put into the thing was worth it and that it will make an impact.

CCA camp and CCA stuff

Anyway, day one(or rather night one) was mostly the planning of logi for day 2, some discussion on CCA "infrastructure". We watched YES Man before lights out but the night walk was cancelled :(
Oh yea, we showered before dinner and the shower heads were quite (-.-)...Out of so many holes, water only came out of 3 holes and the water pressure was so strong that it hurt. Should have switched cubicles before soaping up. After the shower, my jaw just swelled up :/

It was quite a cosy night in Comp lab 1. We were really lucky to get the air con on through the night. Not many get the privilege of that during camps ^^. We had bread and spread and hot milo for breakfast. Actually, we got hot milo for every meal. That gives a really homely feeling :)

Anyway, as I watched the juniors lead and the junior juniors play. I felt a really weird and fuzzy feeling inside. I didn't join robotics as a freshie in sec 1. Maybe that is the factor that makes this special sense of belonging and attachment to the CCA. Not quite sure if other members have felt this odd fuzzy feeling but its gonna be really awkward and melo. if I suddenly ask. xD
The transition from gym to robotics is really big. Its amazing really. I missed the infocomm auditions because my mum wanted me to audition for dance. I didn't make it (duh) and landed accidentally in gym. I carelessly took up the challenge and offer and stayed in gym for a year. Many times I wanted to quit. But I was denyed the chance thru one way or another. Finally, after 1 year and 2 months, I got into robotics.

I can still remember the O.O I felt when Rosemary went "HEY EVERYBODY. THIS IS SHANNON AND SHE WILL BE JOINING US FROM TODAY ON!" haha. I can remember the insecurity I felt then. Would they see me like how the people in gym saw me? So the nice-ness of the seniors and members of robotics really made me feel un-awkward and I adjusted fairly fast. In a few months, I was in a team participating in robocup. The experience of an international competition awed me. And after a few more months, I went on to lead a team in my first FLL competition. I knew very well that the other team was made to win but still, it was really the experience that matters. In another few months was the NRPC competition in which we worked with the juniors in small teams. It was kinda like a mini FLL. Then, in ANOTHER few months, I was already participating in my second FLL, under the leadership of MingXuan. I can't deny I had high hopes and was quite shattered when we didn't clinch the championship again but again, the experience gained was quite irreplacable.

So, in ANOTHER FEW MONTHS, the sec 4s will be stepping down. It sounds so sad. like stepping down. haha. but I guess we'll come back. like how the seniors do. It is heartening that even though we are facing an "ageing population", the spirit still remains and I hope it stays that way. It is comforting to see the juniors writing a "section pledge" and a new motto for our CCA.

Also, interacting with the other sections was also very enjoyable. I hardly ever talk to people from other sections. Expect for Xinying, Yuting, Jodie etc. probably.

CCA camp is over~

Back from the first ever infocomm camp. Although it is kinda sad that our first infocomm camp is also our last. (for sec 4s). Not complaining though, at least we got to experience it once. The overnight experience was kinda cool and for the first time, I actually slept and dreamed on a "first night" of any camp/overseas trip. Dreamt of prawn noodles and Joy waking everyone up /(-.-)/ 

Quite tired now, both physically and metally. Gonna take a nap soon. Prob be back to post more when I am more awake

The monday blues came early -.-

Its sunday morning. Heading to sunday school now. Kinda feel the "fuzzy" kind of excited cause we're gonna launch the revamped bulletin today :)

Anyway, the friday that just past made me think back on a lot of things. Way Way back. 5 years back in fact.
I don't wanna make the same mistake again. But now, the same feeling is coming back. I want so desperately to be able to help but I don't know how.

Then as I showered yesterday (-.-)/ I thought of something that kinda gave me the chills. I drew parallels to my friends in primary school and my friends in secondary school. Wait, I gotta go, don't want to be late for Sunday school. I'll be back.

I got an A1 for Amath!!! Its a 24/30. Its not much for others but I suppose it is an achievement for me ^^ I will aim higher the next time. Thank God for His miracle! 

I'm really tired but I have to go mug for bio soon. May go make some coffee~ sigh.. 

Just ate up a pack of maltesers. Again. *guity* xP The supposingly nonexistent problem has not been solved yet.  (oxymoron??)

I just want it to be over. I really miss how it was in the past. And CCA camp has to be perfect. 

Dear Lord...please let this be over soon..

Its Sunday today, and I'm really rushing the homework so this will be a quick one. 

Recently I have been feeling nervous for no apparant reason. I just can't sit still and my heart just constantly beats really fast like I just ran 5 rounds round the school track kind of fast :///

Anyway, I really felt like I  should send a text to her to clarify things. So I did. I did not get a reply but hopefully, everything will be okay. God will answer my prayers. And things will be alright, if this is meant to be.

Personal Mastery Day 2 etc.

Today was largely a fun day. Personal Mastery was from 8.00-6.00 so it was a full day course. It was interesting and quite insightful and definitely fun xD haha. We learnt about stress management, study techniques, learning styles, time management etc etc. I personally felt it was more relevant than previous year's personal mastery courses.

We played games -- chop chilli chop,  blow wind blow,  caterpillar,  big fish small fish, and continued our crazy gameplay during breaks and free slots -- hai dai (and the noodle version) , concentration, etc etc. Broken telephone was as funny as it always was. xD

They also kept us pretty well fed. Morning break -- Danish+ butter cake + char shao pastry thingy, Lunch -- Fried rice, terriyaki chicken, vegetables and crab croquettes, Afternoon tea -- More butter cake, chocolate bread/pastry and a rather odd mushroom vegetable quiche. No complaints there xD

But as usual, things are not getting any better. What more can I do? I just hope this gets fixed before CCA camp.

I got 23/30 for emath test. Thats an AWW MANNN for most of the people in my class. But for me, its a miracle! I haven't gotten above 20/30 in a math test for roughly a year now. Thank God. I think I might pass overall for CA1 emath now :) I will get my A1 in prelims and O levels! 

Anyway, more unhappy stuff happened today. I think I should stop thinking and worrying more than I should but at the same time, I feel so downright torn apart. Every day, I have to feel conflicted but still I do not stop trying? Am I trying hard enough? Or am I trying too hard? It says somewhere that there are times to hold on and times to let go?

I hope this ends soon. I really do